Hindu on paper but Buddhist at heart

You know what, now I totally disbelieve in god and his existence, not that I ever believed all that fully. Now I call him the vainglorious ****. Yes, its all bullshit. But does that give me the freedom to become immoral, inhuman, anti-human. No. Being pious only on the belief of existence of god is forced, fake piousness, fake goodness. Trying to be good under the fear that this force will punish for wrong doings is no goodness at all. Despite absence of any such force, a person should be naturally humane.

Now that I have dismissed the idea of god, I ve turned to what is called karma, or let’s say law of nature, which means what you sow is what you get. I want to test it, experience it and if it fails, dismiss that too. I would like to know what happens of people who pained me, which includes my mother. I want to see what law of nature does to them. Trust me, I do not wish ill for any of those who pained me. But I just want to sit and see what happens to them. Will the law of nature take its course and dispense justice, or will it just never act as people expect it to. Mind you again, I wish no ill for anyone. If karma, or god, or law of nature would come to me in private and secretly ask my wish, as to what should happen to people who pained me, and also promise to me that my answer will not be known to anyone in the world, I would truly say, I have no answer, I wish no ill for anyone. I will say, I only want the laws of nature, to work, and I want to see for myself if they really work. But my strong gut feeling is, there is nothing like law of nature, the sayings like as you sow so you reap is a painkiller for the helpless, to endure the pain. World works wildly, at the directions of wily, powerful, ruthless people with some role for uncertainty and chance. Not karma or law of nature. Because, I know, I have not done anything ever to put anyone to pain knowingly. But pain befalls me from multiple directions. I have already half dismissed karma and law of nature, but just want to have few more case studies to base it on.

But does that still give me the right to be inhuman. Again, No. Absolutely not. I would have to be what I am. That’s what separates the weak but pious, from the strong, powerful, power addicted, careless, arrogant types.

Oh, it was after i wrote these lines, a few months later, that i realized this is what is Buddhism.

I believed in it even before i read about it under the name of Buddhism.